Monday, December 13, 2010

On a time out

Recent events have been so upsetting, that I have not really been able to sit and write them out.  The morning of my last post, I found stab marks from both a knife and a flat head screwdriver in my pantry door and the garage door.  My husband and I decided best to speak with Jake about this in counseling that evening.  Jake did admit to the stabbing of the pantry door but freaked out about the garage door.  He could not remember why he had stabbed the pantry door or stabbing the garage door at all.  **I am freaking out inside here, k***
Then Jake's counselor looks at me and says he feels Jake is having seizures.  WHAT?  He asked me if I knew what they were and turns out I only know of extreme seizures requiring a wallet in the mouth.  He explained that they can be small and hardly noticeable.  Things can happen that the person can not remember such as with the doors.
REALLY?  **My guts were turned upside down at this point**  Reality has hit and I don't know what the heck to do with it.
Immediately following that appt, we were supposed to go to Jake's psych but our son freaked out in a full blown panic attack about seeing that Dr.  So I had to call them and tell them.  They understood and encouraged us to reschedule.  I have to at least for the medicine but Jake's counselor is going to have to help him realize that the Dr. is not the only one responsible for him having to go to the hospital back in October, thus the reason Jake is refusing to see him.
I am skipping all over the place sorry, trying to get it all out.
With in the last few days I have noticed a new pattern.  Jake is beginning to sleep for days in a row.  I have not seen the awake part too much yet.
School, normalcy, socialization, responsibility, education, understanding...I hunger for them all for Jake.  I feel like my husband and I are stuck and in too much shock to get out of this rut.  We find comfort in our day-to-day work, but will ultimately have to stop and either put Jake back into a public school setting (God help us all) or I can't even type the "or".
Some days I feel like I can't even lift my arm to reach up for hope.  It has to come down to me.  Today is one of those days.  Just keep going with the motions.  Something is bound to turn-around.  Right?


  1. It has to get better, it has to get better, it has to get better. Keep telling yourself that...Jacob is a bright intelligent young man. This is a hard season of his life right now...he will pull through. He has great parents to see him through this. I love you so much!!

  2. I am SO sorry that you are going through this. (I found you through Rebekah's blog, in case you're wondering who the heck I am!) This must be such a heartbreaking time for all of you. Know that Jesus is holding you in his tender arms. And you're right - when you can't reach up anymore, He reaches right down to us and picks us up.

    Are you open to posting your email (or you could send it to me at If not, I totally understand, but I have some words for you that God gave me when I was reading your story last night. Either way, I understand. God bless you in this hard time.

  3. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this - especially for Jacob.

    My suggestion is that you, your hubby and Jacob need to be in touch with people that are dealing with the same issue(s). Peer support can be amazingly healing with mental health issues. If I were you, I'd make some calls around your area to see if there are any parent/family support groups and/or groups for Jacob that would allow him to meet others dealing with mental health issues.

    I'm not a doctor or professional and I have no sweet clue what you're dealing with and don't know you...but I'd keep pushing for an accurate diagnosis of what you're really dealing with. I work in the mental health field. My younger cousin, who is 17 now, has dealt with bullying for his entire life...and mirrors some of the things that you said about Jacob. It seems to me that bullying changes a child's perception of safety and their world...and can spin them out of control into mental health issues which then compounds what they are already dealing with. I mean, really...the doctor gives you a diagnosis of b/p and then changes it to PTSD? They are not, by any means, comparable, in mental health standards. They can't/shouldn't be 'treated' in the same way that one would receive treatment for one or the other. Meds would be completely different...approaches at therapy would be different. Once you get a proper diagnosis...THEN you can begin to get the proper treatment and get back on all of your feet. Remmeber, healing is possible! And also remember the happy Jacob that was feeling better about's possible that he can get back to that, too.

    I'm praying for you all.

  4. Your always in my prayers and I do hope that thing get better for you guy's this coming year.

  5. <<<<< Hugs >>>>> Praying for you all... that all sounds so scary! I did get your FB note, but it looks like you deleted your profile there? Glad I remembered your blog! I am due in March and feeling great. We are spending Christmas in TX with Brad's family, some of them will be seeing Shelby for the first time :)