Monday, January 31, 2011

Please Pray for Joanne

I have never had the honor of meeting her even though she has been on the broadcast where I work.  I am touched by her story and what her family is going through right now.  Stories like this help me be grateful for what I have been asked to endure.
I want to honor her today and ask those who stop by to please lift her and her sweet family up in prayer.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

I know what I MUST do now

Since Jake has been home, all of us still pretty much in shock have done the best we can to just survive.  It is complicatedly amazing what happens to the brain and then the rest of the body when something traumatic happens to you or your child.  Our days have been almost as if we are just walking zombies, dead inside.  We want to change but have not been able to capture the physical energy or mind strength to achieve it.  My husband and I are still working full time, my husband works two jobs.  The weekends have been successful if we were able to get the laundry done and some light surface cleaning.

Nothing will throw me over the edge faster than dog urine or poo on the floor that has not been cleaned up.  I walked into my son's room this morning to turn down his television and the lovely aroma of old dog waste filtered my brain sending every fiber of my being into automatic shock.  I quickly left his room and right then and there determined that some changes MUST take place and immediately.  I prayed to God to give me clarity and strength to do what I need to do, what HE wants me to do.

When I walked out of my room to approach Jacob, I knew what I had to do.  I had to be tough in a way but ever so kind and loving also.  He needs to know that I love him first and that I mean it with my actions. He will no longer be allowed to lay around the house.  He has to learn that his schooling and his work around the house comes before his personal time.  This will help him when he is a man and on his own.  He can't just slack around for his whole life and he can not allow any medical condition allow him to take on that mindset.  When he has a family and has to provide for them, he best be able to stand up and do it.  I am not doing him any favors by not showing him the right direction for his life.This morning however, I was able to see some small amount of clarity as to what I must to now.

I need to be home with him in the mornings.  He obviously needs my help in establishing a routine.  Brushing his teeth, combing his hair, getting dressed, making his bed.  Things he has rejected for the last 4 months now must be re-inforced.  These are things I can help him with because I love him.  After those things are done, he needs to eat a nutritional breakfast and get started on his school work.  I will be available to my job during this time that he is working but I need to be present to keep him on task and assist with questions and frustrations.  Trust me, I know this is going to be challenging.  I am not just dealing with a kid who doesn't want to learn, I am dealing with a kid who more than likely has a mental illness.  There, I said it.  I have to get his medical testing done and not avoid it because I am afraid of what they will find.  I have pretended that if we don't know, it can't really be all that bad.  Geeesh, can I be more dense?  Anyway, he will have a regular routine everyday.  Tuesday's he will go to the homeschool cottage program where he will get more help in science and reading and be able to interact with other kids who are home schooled.  I pray to God he makes a really good friend there.


Just this past Tuesday we found out that Jacob would not be allowed to attend another school within our district.  Homeschool for the rest of the year is our only option at this point.  We had to come to terms with it.  For the rest of this year, our child has to be home and we have to educate him.

I have spoken to my boss at work and will need to put together a plan of action if I am to be able to do this.  I have wrestled with it, because I could not see how I could possibly work 40 hours and be my son's teacher.  Today, I saw it as my son's best hope and I am determined for the next 4-7 months to commit myself first to my son. (meaning between work and my son, of course)

My friend Diane, God bless you Diane, has given me some amazing advice with regard to his academics and I will make sure his math and reading are up to snuff.

I have many wonderful people in my life who have come around me with support and prayer and I am so grateful.  It is time now however for me to start acting on what I have to do.

When the counselor told Jake last night that he will need to take his 18 plus hours of constant SNL watching to 1.5 a day and perhaps something besides SNL would be more beneficial for him, you could of seen the blood run from his body.  You could have seen it all run to my body until I burst.  I was so embarrassed that I have allowed for my son to just exist at home by himself so that I could escape from my home life reality for 9-10 hours a day.  I was so ashamed at that moment when I saw the counselors (a really wonderful man of God) eyes get the size of oranges when he heard how much TV Jacob was really watching.  We had allowed TV to be Jake's babysitter, his pacifier.

I have contemplated allowing guilt to control me, bitterness, sadness, pity.... Those are all dead-end roads.  I have given all of those thoughts and feelings to God and will have to every moment if necessary to pull Jacob out of this pit I seemingly assisted in dumping him in.

Oh God, forgive me for being so caught up in myself and the hurt and pain that I have to the point of not being useful in Jake's recovery.  I desperately need your help to keep my thoughts, words, actions and motives pure before You.  Help me do what I must to give him the best You have for him.  Help me not to coddle him, but truly show him Your love through Your word and Your teachings. Thank you for my son, thank you for choosing to intrust me with him.  Help me Lord, to raise a man after Your heart who will serve You until You call him home.  In Jesus Name.

Thank you whom ever may be out there for your prayers.  I lift you all up now before the Lord also.  I don't have to know you or know what you are going through but He does.  God bless you all as you journey this life, may you have clarity in the situations you are in also.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Got Sheep?

Counting Sheep that is.  Ya know, the kind you get when you sleep.  Sleep sheep.  LOL.  Anyway, Jacob seems to be on a normal sleeping routine, Praise the good Lord!!!!!!!.  I am hoping this isn't just a fluke thing but a "normal" pattern that we have worked hard to establish.
School update: We made contact again with the district that we loathe.  We had no choice.  All school enrollment is closed until the fall with the exception of your neighborhood school.  We told them that Jacob  WOULD NOT be returning to that school.  We voiced where we would like to put him and completed re-registration.  Now we wait to see if that school's principal will all him to attend there.  As hard as it is, we are hopeful.
Raw inside stuff: I don't know why, but I feel like we are stuck.  Ever since our move to Colorado, Jacob has endured a blast of hardship.  My marriage was strengthened and renewed, which is huge!  It just feels like the counter to that is the deterioration of Jake's spirit.  Talk about torment.  My husband wanted to move here to begin a career in law enforcement and God (oh, how I thank Him) did not allow that.  Instead, he is back in his field of broadcasting.  That however, is proving to be a dead end anymore.  What I am trying to express is that sometimes I feel like we are being pushed somewhere else.  With my husbands career at is breaking point and the economy not helping, my son's life upside down (it feels) I question God's will for us.  Are we in the right place?  Are we doing the right thing?
I shouldn't even my writing today with so many questions.  Times like these is when the old religious junk can easily creep back over me.  Don't worry, I won't go into it...still it's a feeling that I am dealing with.
I started painting again on Sunday.  Yeah, I think I will stick to my mountain and desert landscapes.  I tried a cherry tree park with a bridge and pond.  Didn't work.  I need to work my way to that since this was the first time I had painted in 4 years.  I am a little rusty to say the least.
My prayer for improvement this week is that I will have the energy to create a positive environment in my home.  Getting up at 4AM is rough.  It has to be done though, so I need to make the best of it.  I need to create a walking routine and take my son with me.  The poor guy is very uncomfortable right  now and could greatly benefit from some good exercise body, mind and spirit.  I need to not be so frustrated by my son's actions and instead learn from them as how to better coach him with the life skills he needs.  I am his teacher right now, so I better step up my game.  He will be 13 in March, I don't have many more years to instill what he will need for life.  Skills like how to hold down a job, work ethic so he will keep a job.  How to be a good husband and father (my husband helps there big time) and all of those things.  Time is tickin' away, so I don't have time to waste.
Blessings to all who find themselves here today.  I pray that you too will be inspired in whatever road life has you on and thank God for sheep!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

Just Pee and Mail

Yep, you read it right.  My son has orders to pee in a cup and send it in the mail.  I told  him to be lucky he only had to worry about number one.  Know what I'm sayin'?  Ahhhhh.
Anyway.  Those who know me know somewhere along the line the filter God gave me busted or just flat out gave up hope. It makes me who I am though.
Jake has to have this test sent to a lab in hopes that they will be able to monitor his brain chemistry.  They will look at things like seratonin and dopamine.  The Dr. is almost positive that this is a bi-polar issue.  When I think about that, I have a tendency to get really, really scared.  I think of the people who are on drugs and homeless because they were not properly helped or were not able to get the proper help.  It is really sad and breaks my heart.  Those are the times that I am truly grateful that I have a relationship with God.  HE reminds me that He is in control and that my son has a purpose and this is not a surprise to Him.  I will not fear, I will not fear, I will not fear!!!!!  Jake was and is God's first.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Back to the testing.  The tricky part of this has been the timing and the hours in which it must be collected from the time Jake wakes up.  Three hours after he wakes, he is to drink nothing or eat nothing.  He is to release his bladder right after he wakes and then collect three hours later.  Then it needs to be refrigerated until it goes into the mailbox.  Did you hear that?  I have to put this lovely vile into my fridge.  (((Barf))) I am a germ-ah-zoid.  You know those science movies we watched in school growing up where they show you what is happening at the GERM level.  Yeah, messed me up as a kid.  I did not have any gloves to handle this specimen so I had paper towels at both hands for the interception.  You should have seen my face when he set it on the counter (in the KITCHEN) where I had a paper towel ready.  Yeah, when I saw that some sort of fluid had made the paper towel wet..... (Psycho music in the background) Anyway I am sure that counter has never before been as disinfected as it is now.
I am trying to capture and reflect on the humorous part of it all.  It helps the blood pressure.
Afterwards, I am pouring coffee and I hear the blades behind me rattling in the dish strainer.  I look back and Jake is scrummaging through them.  I ask him what he is doing and he just said that he likes looking at them.  What the what?  Stuff like that, freaks me out.  Why in God's green earth would he just like to look at them?  I will not fear, I will not fear.
I have to go to work and completely trust God for my son's safety.  Some people would tell me that is just ignorance.  Nope, it's called faith.
School seems hopeless for this year.  We called our preferred school and they can't take him because the out-of-district window has long since closed.  The district that we live in, ya know...the one we loathe, will only allow him into the school where a lot of this mess is stemming from.  Not the bi-polar obviously, but the trauma from being daily harassed including from teachers.  So, NO...he will not be attending public school this year.  Sad.
I know a kid that got way left behind.  Thing is, it does not seem like anyone in the stinkin' school systems gives a rip.  This school district that is so highly praised and adored in this town, could care less about what happens to my son.
I will not fear, I will not allow bitterness to take root.  Ahhhhh, ok.
There you have it.  The testing phase of 2011 has officially begun.
Blessings to you all and thank you again for your prayers.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Tucson's Torment

I am DEEPLY saddened at what took place at a grocery store in Tucson, Arizona over the weekend.  As a mom of a young man who may have a chemical disorder in the brain, I am overwhelmed and honestly on the brink of torment by this story.
Each time a gunman walks into a place to begin killing people we try to asses what happened.  What was his home life like?  Who are his parents?  What is in his past?  While these can all be contributors,  I realized last night that all of these other elements can be handled and dealt with if people would just do so, (medical, chemical, Dr. visits, etc.) but the major element in our society today; the one we WONT deal with because it is too politically incorrect, is the God element and His place and role in our lives.
People get angry.  It is a fact of life.  I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion to something else.  Fear, frustration even hunger.  There is something that happens first before anger is brought in.  I have also learned that God really does not have a place in our society.  He just really does not fit in.  We have here a deadly formula as we have all watched on television.  We have angry people walking around this country thinking THEY have the place on the judgement seat and not God.
That is what happened in Tucson over the weekend and in Virginia a few years back.  That is what happened in New York in 2001.  A human being decided they were going to be judge and jury.  God wasn't doing the job, so it has to be done by them.  This 22 year old kid, told God to move out of his way, he had this one covered.  REALLY!!??
Do we really think that we have that right as people?  I am so incredibly sickened at what our country has become.  I do not like a lot of what happens in Washington D.C. but let me tell you something, I am not going to take it upon myself to use deadly force to solve MY issue.  I have been taught the Word of God.  Christ lives in my heart and I have a duty given to me the moment my son was conceived to teach him those same values.  I have a duty to try and show him the compassion and mercy of God.
Last night Jacob and I had time to discuss these things.  He had not been to sleep for 3 days, I am not sure why that is happening but it did.  He was on a very high, high when I got home from work.  Then with one mention of the summer and him possibly not seeing my grandmother, he was in a pit.   Somehow our conversation moved to the Tucson incident and that was when God pricked my heart to remind him of God's job in judgement.
This should not be a second amendment issue.  Guns do not kill people, people kill people.  Short a fire setting off the ammo, a gun is an object that can do nothing unless it is made to.  So is the answer in getting rid of all of the weapons and firearms in America?  Sorry, won't matter.  People who are angry and determined to kill someone IS going to find a way to do it.  The rest of us just will not be able to defend ourselves.
So what do we do?  We have to invite God back into our homes, schools and country for that matter.  I know, it's too much of a sticky topic.  Too many people believe differently, that it is just going to cause more problems.  I know what I can do.  I will pray.  I will pray that God will find a remnant in this country and will once again be welcomed in so the people will see what He wants to do if we would allow him.
I have not really had any comments lately, I suspect that will change after this post, or I will not see you as a follower anymore.  Please remember, if I don't have one follower, that is not the purpose to this blog.  This is about me getting what is inside of me, out.  It is about dealing with I am facing as a mom with what my son is going through and all of those other things that relate.  Just watching the news can set off a whole chain of events that I did not see coming.  I am not intending to start arguments or exchange heated words or ideas.  This is just what is in my heart right now as I sit with my son and look at that young man on the TV.  Tears streaming down my face, I ask God's blessing over Jacob of peace.
I am determined.  I will not see my son's mugshot on that television caught in a despicable situation such as this troubled young man from Arizona.  Jacob is God's first.  I trust that God will direct me and use what Jacob has been through to help people in the future and not hurt them.  I believe God will make Jacob a champion for the underdog just like Jesus.
I am reaching up today for hope.  I am praying for the Congresswoman in the hospital for a full recovery.  I am praying for the little girl's family, I can not imagine their pain.  I am praying for the aide's family, for the Judge's family also.  For the families of the sweet grandma's and grandpa's that were there to pick up some groceries and lost their lives, I lift of prayers of comfort and peace.  This should never have happened and I am deeply saddened that it did.
As always, thank you for your prayers!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Happy New Year!!

Again, my apologies for the lack of writing.  I think I started to avoid the blog as well as talk to others because after a while you can only get so raw from exposure that you just need time to let the wound scab over a bit.
Christmas came and went in such a whirlwind.  Wow, can hardly remember all the details.  I started getting sick a week before Christmas and that lasted pretty much into the New Year.  Our family, being the production family, were all involved in a Christmas play at a local church.  While we do not want to force our passion for production onto Jacob, we do want him to experience it and at least have a respect for it.  He ran spotlight and could hardly stay awake for the whole thing.  I have stepped him back on one of his meds that seemed to make him the most tired, so he can be more conscious through out the day.

Jacob has had some hallucinations that have been scary.  One of which was while we were at the Christmas production.  I have started having dreams about his situation and I always seem to be fighting demons in my dreams.  I am seeking Godly counsel on those, but they are adding up in a lot of ways.  I know that is a sticky subject with a lot of people so I will avoid the discussion of it here.

 He has refused to go to the psych, he says he has a lot of anger towards him and blames not being able to attend his school of choice.  His father and I have explained while that is how he may feel, that is not a reality.  We are currently looking into checking out some different ones for this year.

We still regularly attend his counseling sessions and those seem to really help.  When we can, my husband and I add a session for the two of us.  This way we can speak to the counselor about what challenges we have as parents.

The New Year is filled with a lot of medical testing for Jacob.  Currently I am looking at a urine test that I will give him at home.  This test will measure the dopamine, seritonin and other brain chemicals.  It has really weird and specific directions.  It has to be taken exactly three hours after he wakes up.  The sample has to be refrigerated for an hour, kept over night and then mailed 2 day UPS.  Weird.  Can you mail things on Sunday?  Really would prefer to do something like this over the weekend, know what I mean.

He has some PFT's that need to be done to monitor his asthma and his lung capacity to make sure he is getting enough oxygen.  There is a ton of blood sugar things I need to get done.  Also, we have a script to get his allergies tested.

The Doctor's really want to be through before they give that bi-polar diagnosis to rule out all of those other things that can mimic the same symptoms.  I will most likely be looking into some alternative options, so I welcome your experience with that.

My husband called some schools yesterday.  This is interesting.  One of the school districts in my area that is not as "favored" locally came in very handy with information and overall, proved to be of much more value than it's more opted local favorite.  They were blown away that when I talked with the "favored" district, an alternative was not offered for Jacob's education.  Also, they were disgusted with how the private school was able to just dismiss Jacob without having a meeting with my husband and I.  Uh, hello?  We thought the same thing.  Private schools can be a blessing  and a curse at times.  You can have Christ welcomed in school (really good thing), but they don't have to play by the same rules.  Let me just say that the Christian private school where Jacob was going has put a very sour and bad taste in the mouths of those outside the church.  We hang our own sometimes, don't we?

Anyway, not gonna go there.  Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.

I have to tell you that last night I went to a prayer meeting at church.  It was amazing.  You all know the scripture - paraphrasing here.  "The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"?  Yeah.  Fought it all day long.  In my heart though, I told myself I was going to go.  I also told Jacob he was going.  Somehow he got it in his head that the whole large group of people had gathered just to pray for him.  He sat out most of worship, because he claims not to like "that type of music".  Help me Jesus.  I prayed the whole time of worship that God would "undo" what I have done.  I have kept him home many-o-Sunday's thinking I was protecting him even from people at church that have hurt him.  Hello!  I was keeping him away from God.  He used to LOVE that music.  We would blast it all the way to church and all the way home.  Now he HATED it?  No, that is totally a spiritual attack and mama wasn't havin' it.

I prayed that God would keep his heart soft and not allow it to become hardened and shut off to the truth.  Once worship was over and the Pastor came up.  He began to talk about missionaries who are being persecuted in Iran.  Missionaries from our church, or who have a connection with our church.  Jacob was immediately focused and engaged.  He prayed with me, he spoke the words that the congregation read together.  It was amazing.  After the service my friend, April said she was going to get someone to pray over him.  She lassoed up the worship leader.  Wow!  Ok.  He prayed an amazing prayer over Jacob.  That these old wounds would not control his future.  He prayed a protection over his heart, mind and spirit so things can not penetrate as they did before.  This man really took the time and really sought God for His words.  I was so grateful that the man was not rushing out to Denny's or check his hair.  He cared about the young man in front of him although he had never met Jacob before.  I was touched.  God gave me hope as I reached up to him, tangible hope.  What a priceless gift that I will cherish forever.

God reminded me that Jacob is his first.  I have an obligation to raise him in a manner that would glorify Himself.  Making sure that he is seeing the Great Physician every sunday will be key in his recovery.
That is my plan.  Even if my husband still has to go to another church as a second job to make ends meet.  Even though we at this time can not worship together as a family, I WILL continue to take my son to the place where I know his spirit can be fed and he can grow into the man that God has purposed for him to be.

I have hope today that somehow everything will work out.  God has a plan through all of this.  As much as the road we are traveling has scraped and ripped, torn and gnashed...there is a plan here.  I think of the potter and the clay story or the refining of gold.  We too have a purpose and when the branches are stripped away, it hurts like the begeebers.  It is for our growth and for our good and ultimately for HIS glory.

Thanks for traveling through this journey with us.  ALWAYS appreciate each word you are able to lift up to the Father on our behalf.

Happy New Year to you all.  May 2011 be a year of growth in the Lord and the knowledge he freely gives.  May you experience his love and grace a fresh and new.

Blessings to you all.