Thursday, January 27, 2011

I know what I MUST do now

Since Jake has been home, all of us still pretty much in shock have done the best we can to just survive.  It is complicatedly amazing what happens to the brain and then the rest of the body when something traumatic happens to you or your child.  Our days have been almost as if we are just walking zombies, dead inside.  We want to change but have not been able to capture the physical energy or mind strength to achieve it.  My husband and I are still working full time, my husband works two jobs.  The weekends have been successful if we were able to get the laundry done and some light surface cleaning.

Nothing will throw me over the edge faster than dog urine or poo on the floor that has not been cleaned up.  I walked into my son's room this morning to turn down his television and the lovely aroma of old dog waste filtered my brain sending every fiber of my being into automatic shock.  I quickly left his room and right then and there determined that some changes MUST take place and immediately.  I prayed to God to give me clarity and strength to do what I need to do, what HE wants me to do.

When I walked out of my room to approach Jacob, I knew what I had to do.  I had to be tough in a way but ever so kind and loving also.  He needs to know that I love him first and that I mean it with my actions. He will no longer be allowed to lay around the house.  He has to learn that his schooling and his work around the house comes before his personal time.  This will help him when he is a man and on his own.  He can't just slack around for his whole life and he can not allow any medical condition allow him to take on that mindset.  When he has a family and has to provide for them, he best be able to stand up and do it.  I am not doing him any favors by not showing him the right direction for his life.This morning however, I was able to see some small amount of clarity as to what I must to now.

I need to be home with him in the mornings.  He obviously needs my help in establishing a routine.  Brushing his teeth, combing his hair, getting dressed, making his bed.  Things he has rejected for the last 4 months now must be re-inforced.  These are things I can help him with because I love him.  After those things are done, he needs to eat a nutritional breakfast and get started on his school work.  I will be available to my job during this time that he is working but I need to be present to keep him on task and assist with questions and frustrations.  Trust me, I know this is going to be challenging.  I am not just dealing with a kid who doesn't want to learn, I am dealing with a kid who more than likely has a mental illness.  There, I said it.  I have to get his medical testing done and not avoid it because I am afraid of what they will find.  I have pretended that if we don't know, it can't really be all that bad.  Geeesh, can I be more dense?  Anyway, he will have a regular routine everyday.  Tuesday's he will go to the homeschool cottage program where he will get more help in science and reading and be able to interact with other kids who are home schooled.  I pray to God he makes a really good friend there.


Just this past Tuesday we found out that Jacob would not be allowed to attend another school within our district.  Homeschool for the rest of the year is our only option at this point.  We had to come to terms with it.  For the rest of this year, our child has to be home and we have to educate him.

I have spoken to my boss at work and will need to put together a plan of action if I am to be able to do this.  I have wrestled with it, because I could not see how I could possibly work 40 hours and be my son's teacher.  Today, I saw it as my son's best hope and I am determined for the next 4-7 months to commit myself first to my son. (meaning between work and my son, of course)

My friend Diane, God bless you Diane, has given me some amazing advice with regard to his academics and I will make sure his math and reading are up to snuff.

I have many wonderful people in my life who have come around me with support and prayer and I am so grateful.  It is time now however for me to start acting on what I have to do.

When the counselor told Jake last night that he will need to take his 18 plus hours of constant SNL watching to 1.5 a day and perhaps something besides SNL would be more beneficial for him, you could of seen the blood run from his body.  You could have seen it all run to my body until I burst.  I was so embarrassed that I have allowed for my son to just exist at home by himself so that I could escape from my home life reality for 9-10 hours a day.  I was so ashamed at that moment when I saw the counselors (a really wonderful man of God) eyes get the size of oranges when he heard how much TV Jacob was really watching.  We had allowed TV to be Jake's babysitter, his pacifier.

I have contemplated allowing guilt to control me, bitterness, sadness, pity.... Those are all dead-end roads.  I have given all of those thoughts and feelings to God and will have to every moment if necessary to pull Jacob out of this pit I seemingly assisted in dumping him in.

Oh God, forgive me for being so caught up in myself and the hurt and pain that I have to the point of not being useful in Jake's recovery.  I desperately need your help to keep my thoughts, words, actions and motives pure before You.  Help me do what I must to give him the best You have for him.  Help me not to coddle him, but truly show him Your love through Your word and Your teachings. Thank you for my son, thank you for choosing to intrust me with him.  Help me Lord, to raise a man after Your heart who will serve You until You call him home.  In Jesus Name.

Thank you whom ever may be out there for your prayers.  I lift you all up now before the Lord also.  I don't have to know you or know what you are going through but He does.  God bless you all as you journey this life, may you have clarity in the situations you are in also.


  1. Oh my sweet sweet friend. I love you from the bottom pits of my ever existing heart. Ive seen this tear you up from the inside out. We have been through so much together but I think this outdoes the past for sure. When it involves your kids it really takes a toll. I want to tell you that I think you are an amazing person. Im so glad you were brave enough to put your life out there on this blog. I know people are reading it and praying for you and ROOTING you on. Im rooting you on. Keep sharing, keep pushing forward, keep discovering what God wants you do do with your sweet son (my sweet nephue). This is just a season, we already know that Jacob is sharp and intelligent, now he will learn how to channel his tallents in areas that he can really excell in. I love you so much!!!!

  2. Thinking about you and praying. Know that God is working...

  3. You, my friend, are a great mom. Hang in there. I am here for you always.

    I love that you're writing a blog. I'd be as happy if you were keeping a private journal. You definitely need to express yourself and this is a safe outlet to do so.

    Hang in there, babe! It'll get better. It may not get easier but it'll get better.

    Love you mucho,

  4. God is soooooooooooooooooooo big. We are soooooooooooooo small. But ... did I mention that He is sooooooooooooooooooooo big? !!!

  5. I just wanted to take a moment to say...I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE!! I have two daughters that I homeschool. We as mom's all face a lot of the same issues. You are NOT alone! Please know that I will be praying for you. Hugs. Mollie L