Again, my apologies for the lack of writing. I think I started to avoid the blog as well as talk to others because after a while you can only get so raw from exposure that you just need time to let the wound scab over a bit.
Christmas came and went in such a whirlwind. Wow, can hardly remember all the details. I started getting sick a week before Christmas and that lasted pretty much into the New Year. Our family, being the production family, were all involved in a Christmas play at a local church. While we do not want to force our passion for production onto Jacob, we do want him to experience it and at least have a respect for it. He ran spotlight and could hardly stay awake for the whole thing. I have stepped him back on one of his meds that seemed to make him the most tired, so he can be more conscious through out the day.
Jacob has had some hallucinations that have been scary. One of which was while we were at the Christmas production. I have started having dreams about his situation and I always seem to be fighting demons in my dreams. I am seeking Godly counsel on those, but they are adding up in a lot of ways. I know that is a sticky subject with a lot of people so I will avoid the discussion of it here.
He has refused to go to the psych, he says he has a lot of anger towards him and blames not being able to attend his school of choice. His father and I have explained while that is how he may feel, that is not a reality. We are currently looking into checking out some different ones for this year.
We still regularly attend his counseling sessions and those seem to really help. When we can, my husband and I add a session for the two of us. This way we can speak to the counselor about what challenges we have as parents.
The New Year is filled with a lot of medical testing for Jacob. Currently I am looking at a urine test that I will give him at home. This test will measure the dopamine, seritonin and other brain chemicals. It has really weird and specific directions. It has to be taken exactly three hours after he wakes up. The sample has to be refrigerated for an hour, kept over night and then mailed 2 day UPS. Weird. Can you mail things on Sunday? Really would prefer to do something like this over the weekend, know what I mean.
He has some PFT's that need to be done to monitor his asthma and his lung capacity to make sure he is getting enough oxygen. There is a ton of blood sugar things I need to get done. Also, we have a script to get his allergies tested.
The Doctor's really want to be through before they give that bi-polar diagnosis to rule out all of those other things that can mimic the same symptoms. I will most likely be looking into some alternative options, so I welcome your experience with that.
My husband called some schools yesterday. This is interesting. One of the school districts in my area that is not as "favored" locally came in very handy with information and overall, proved to be of much more value than it's more opted local favorite. They were blown away that when I talked with the "favored" district, an alternative was not offered for Jacob's education. Also, they were disgusted with how the private school was able to just dismiss Jacob without having a meeting with my husband and I. Uh, hello? We thought the same thing. Private schools can be a blessing and a curse at times. You can have Christ welcomed in school (really good thing), but they don't have to play by the same rules. Let me just say that the Christian private school where Jacob was going has put a very sour and bad taste in the mouths of those outside the church. We hang our own sometimes, don't we?
Anyway, not gonna go there. Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture.
I have to tell you that last night I went to a prayer meeting at church. It was amazing. You all know the scripture - paraphrasing here. "The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"? Yeah. Fought it all day long. In my heart though, I told myself I was going to go. I also told Jacob he was going. Somehow he got it in his head that the whole large group of people had gathered just to pray for him. He sat out most of worship, because he claims not to like "that type of music". Help me Jesus. I prayed the whole time of worship that God would "undo" what I have done. I have kept him home many-o-Sunday's thinking I was protecting him even from people at church that have hurt him. Hello! I was keeping him away from God. He used to LOVE that music. We would blast it all the way to church and all the way home. Now he HATED it? No, that is totally a spiritual attack and mama wasn't havin' it.
I prayed that God would keep his heart soft and not allow it to become hardened and shut off to the truth. Once worship was over and the Pastor came up. He began to talk about missionaries who are being persecuted in Iran. Missionaries from our church, or who have a connection with our church. Jacob was immediately focused and engaged. He prayed with me, he spoke the words that the congregation read together. It was amazing. After the service my friend, April said she was going to get someone to pray over him. She lassoed up the worship leader. Wow! Ok. He prayed an amazing prayer over Jacob. That these old wounds would not control his future. He prayed a protection over his heart, mind and spirit so things can not penetrate as they did before. This man really took the time and really sought God for His words. I was so grateful that the man was not rushing out to Denny's or check his hair. He cared about the young man in front of him although he had never met Jacob before. I was touched. God gave me hope as I reached up to him, tangible hope. What a priceless gift that I will cherish forever.
God reminded me that Jacob is his first. I have an obligation to raise him in a manner that would glorify Himself. Making sure that he is seeing the Great Physician every sunday will be key in his recovery.
That is my plan. Even if my husband still has to go to another church as a second job to make ends meet. Even though we at this time can not worship together as a family, I WILL continue to take my son to the place where I know his spirit can be fed and he can grow into the man that God has purposed for him to be.
I have hope today that somehow everything will work out. God has a plan through all of this. As much as the road we are traveling has scraped and ripped, torn and gnashed...there is a plan here. I think of the potter and the clay story or the refining of gold. We too have a purpose and when the branches are stripped away, it hurts like the begeebers. It is for our growth and for our good and ultimately for HIS glory.
Thanks for traveling through this journey with us. ALWAYS appreciate each word you are able to lift up to the Father on our behalf.
Happy New Year to you all. May 2011 be a year of growth in the Lord and the knowledge he freely gives. May you experience his love and grace a fresh and new.
Blessings to you all.