Since Jake has been home, all of us still pretty much in shock have done the best we can to just survive. It is complicatedly amazing what happens to the brain and then the rest of the body when something traumatic happens to you or your child. Our days have been almost as if we are just walking zombies, dead inside. We want to change but have not been able to capture the physical energy or mind strength to achieve it. My husband and I are still working full time, my husband works two jobs. The weekends have been successful if we were able to get the laundry done and some light surface cleaning.
Nothing will throw me over the edge faster than dog urine or poo on the floor that has not been cleaned up. I walked into my son's room this morning to turn down his television and the lovely aroma of old dog waste filtered my brain sending every fiber of my being into automatic shock. I quickly left his room and right then and there determined that some changes MUST take place and immediately. I prayed to God to give me clarity and strength to do what I need to do, what HE wants me to do.
When I walked out of my room to approach Jacob, I knew what I had to do. I had to be tough in a way but ever so kind and loving also. He needs to know that I love him first and that I mean it with my actions. He will no longer be allowed to lay around the house. He has to learn that his schooling and his work around the house comes before his personal time. This will help him when he is a man and on his own. He can't just slack around for his whole life and he can not allow any medical condition allow him to take on that mindset. When he has a family and has to provide for them, he best be able to stand up and do it. I am not doing him any favors by not showing him the right direction for his life.This morning however, I was able to see some small amount of clarity as to what I must to now.
I need to be home with him in the mornings. He obviously needs my help in establishing a routine. Brushing his teeth, combing his hair, getting dressed, making his bed. Things he has rejected for the last 4 months now must be re-inforced. These are things I can help him with because I love him. After those things are done, he needs to eat a nutritional breakfast and get started on his school work. I will be available to my job during this time that he is working but I need to be present to keep him on task and assist with questions and frustrations. Trust me, I know this is going to be challenging. I am not just dealing with a kid who doesn't want to learn, I am dealing with a kid who more than likely has a mental illness. There, I said it. I have to get his medical testing done and not avoid it because I am afraid of what they will find. I have pretended that if we don't know, it can't really be all that bad. Geeesh, can I be more dense? Anyway, he will have a regular routine everyday. Tuesday's he will go to the homeschool cottage program where he will get more help in science and reading and be able to interact with other kids who are home schooled. I pray to God he makes a really good friend there.
JUMPING BACK:
Just this past Tuesday we found out that Jacob would not be allowed to attend another school within our district. Homeschool for the rest of the year is our only option at this point. We had to come to terms with it. For the rest of this year, our child has to be home and we have to educate him.
I have spoken to my boss at work and will need to put together a plan of action if I am to be able to do this. I have wrestled with it, because I could not see how I could possibly work 40 hours and be my son's teacher. Today, I saw it as my son's best hope and I am determined for the next 4-7 months to commit myself first to my son. (meaning between work and my son, of course)
My friend Diane, God bless you Diane, has given me some amazing advice with regard to his academics and I will make sure his math and reading are up to snuff.
I have many wonderful people in my life who have come around me with support and prayer and I am so grateful. It is time now however for me to start acting on what I have to do.
When the counselor told Jake last night that he will need to take his 18 plus hours of constant SNL watching to 1.5 a day and perhaps something besides SNL would be more beneficial for him, you could of seen the blood run from his body. You could have seen it all run to my body until I burst. I was so embarrassed that I have allowed for my son to just exist at home by himself so that I could escape from my home life reality for 9-10 hours a day. I was so ashamed at that moment when I saw the counselors (a really wonderful man of God) eyes get the size of oranges when he heard how much TV Jacob was really watching. We had allowed TV to be Jake's babysitter, his pacifier.
I have contemplated allowing guilt to control me, bitterness, sadness, pity.... Those are all dead-end roads. I have given all of those thoughts and feelings to God and will have to every moment if necessary to pull Jacob out of this pit I seemingly assisted in dumping him in.
Oh God, forgive me for being so caught up in myself and the hurt and pain that I have to the point of not being useful in Jake's recovery. I desperately need your help to keep my thoughts, words, actions and motives pure before You. Help me do what I must to give him the best You have for him. Help me not to coddle him, but truly show him Your love through Your word and Your teachings. Thank you for my son, thank you for choosing to intrust me with him. Help me Lord, to raise a man after Your heart who will serve You until You call him home. In Jesus Name.
Thank you whom ever may be out there for your prayers. I lift you all up now before the Lord also. I don't have to know you or know what you are going through but He does. God bless you all as you journey this life, may you have clarity in the situations you are in also.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Got Sheep?
Counting Sheep that is. Ya know, the kind you get when you sleep. Sleep sheep. LOL. Anyway, Jacob seems to be on a normal sleeping routine, Praise the good Lord!!!!!!!. I am hoping this isn't just a fluke thing but a "normal" pattern that we have worked hard to establish.
School update: We made contact again with the district that we loathe. We had no choice. All school enrollment is closed until the fall with the exception of your neighborhood school. We told them that Jacob WOULD NOT be returning to that school. We voiced where we would like to put him and completed re-registration. Now we wait to see if that school's principal will all him to attend there. As hard as it is, we are hopeful.
Raw inside stuff: I don't know why, but I feel like we are stuck. Ever since our move to Colorado, Jacob has endured a blast of hardship. My marriage was strengthened and renewed, which is huge! It just feels like the counter to that is the deterioration of Jake's spirit. Talk about torment. My husband wanted to move here to begin a career in law enforcement and God (oh, how I thank Him) did not allow that. Instead, he is back in his field of broadcasting. That however, is proving to be a dead end anymore. What I am trying to express is that sometimes I feel like we are being pushed somewhere else. With my husbands career at is breaking point and the economy not helping, my son's life upside down (it feels) I question God's will for us. Are we in the right place? Are we doing the right thing?
I shouldn't even my writing today with so many questions. Times like these is when the old religious junk can easily creep back over me. Don't worry, I won't go into it...still it's a feeling that I am dealing with.
I started painting again on Sunday. Yeah, I think I will stick to my mountain and desert landscapes. I tried a cherry tree park with a bridge and pond. Didn't work. I need to work my way to that since this was the first time I had painted in 4 years. I am a little rusty to say the least.
My prayer for improvement this week is that I will have the energy to create a positive environment in my home. Getting up at 4AM is rough. It has to be done though, so I need to make the best of it. I need to create a walking routine and take my son with me. The poor guy is very uncomfortable right now and could greatly benefit from some good exercise body, mind and spirit. I need to not be so frustrated by my son's actions and instead learn from them as how to better coach him with the life skills he needs. I am his teacher right now, so I better step up my game. He will be 13 in March, I don't have many more years to instill what he will need for life. Skills like how to hold down a job, work ethic so he will keep a job. How to be a good husband and father (my husband helps there big time) and all of those things. Time is tickin' away, so I don't have time to waste.
Blessings to all who find themselves here today. I pray that you too will be inspired in whatever road life has you on and thank God for sheep!
School update: We made contact again with the district that we loathe. We had no choice. All school enrollment is closed until the fall with the exception of your neighborhood school. We told them that Jacob WOULD NOT be returning to that school. We voiced where we would like to put him and completed re-registration. Now we wait to see if that school's principal will all him to attend there. As hard as it is, we are hopeful.
Raw inside stuff: I don't know why, but I feel like we are stuck. Ever since our move to Colorado, Jacob has endured a blast of hardship. My marriage was strengthened and renewed, which is huge! It just feels like the counter to that is the deterioration of Jake's spirit. Talk about torment. My husband wanted to move here to begin a career in law enforcement and God (oh, how I thank Him) did not allow that. Instead, he is back in his field of broadcasting. That however, is proving to be a dead end anymore. What I am trying to express is that sometimes I feel like we are being pushed somewhere else. With my husbands career at is breaking point and the economy not helping, my son's life upside down (it feels) I question God's will for us. Are we in the right place? Are we doing the right thing?
I shouldn't even my writing today with so many questions. Times like these is when the old religious junk can easily creep back over me. Don't worry, I won't go into it...still it's a feeling that I am dealing with.
I started painting again on Sunday. Yeah, I think I will stick to my mountain and desert landscapes. I tried a cherry tree park with a bridge and pond. Didn't work. I need to work my way to that since this was the first time I had painted in 4 years. I am a little rusty to say the least.
My prayer for improvement this week is that I will have the energy to create a positive environment in my home. Getting up at 4AM is rough. It has to be done though, so I need to make the best of it. I need to create a walking routine and take my son with me. The poor guy is very uncomfortable right now and could greatly benefit from some good exercise body, mind and spirit. I need to not be so frustrated by my son's actions and instead learn from them as how to better coach him with the life skills he needs. I am his teacher right now, so I better step up my game. He will be 13 in March, I don't have many more years to instill what he will need for life. Skills like how to hold down a job, work ethic so he will keep a job. How to be a good husband and father (my husband helps there big time) and all of those things. Time is tickin' away, so I don't have time to waste.
Blessings to all who find themselves here today. I pray that you too will be inspired in whatever road life has you on and thank God for sheep!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)